I have never felt such a powerfully strong combination of fear and anger in my life as I do right now.

The worst part is that I really want to tell you guys, or just someone, anyone. I really do. But the truth is, I can't. It wouldn't be the best thing in any way for the situation, and I don't know if I could bring myself to do it. It's silly: I've never opened up to people as much as I've been doing recently, and you know what? No one knows any of the stuff that I could use actual advice on. Now I feel really pathetic, too.

After Harry Potter came out, I stopped drinking water. The headaches were worth it, because it helped me get through that empty, emotionless stage of grief. I know it's unhealthy, but I think I might try it again. Maybe it'll help. I know it's pathetic, and it's weak, but I think for the next few days it might be worth it.

Right now, I can feel life in the pit of my stomach, and in my lungs, and it aches. I hope you know what I mean, you've felt those strong emptions right in the pit of your stomach. It's a good feeling if you're happy. I like the stark contrast of the shallow emotions, or feelings in general, that one so often encounters. Shallow is a good word to describe how I am not feeling right now.. I like it (the word).

Occasionally some of you, my lovely Deviant Art friends, have written me somewhat lengthy, rather sympathetic responses. I know I'm being vague in my.. what, complaining? Nevertheless, if you can think of something to "me conseiller" (I don't know how to spell that in English..), it would really mean the world to me. Even if it's cynical or cheesy or whatever, I'd really appreciate just.. advice? Something to let me know that I'm not alone, or give me insight as to what comes next? Becuase I really am scared.. If you know me worth a damn, you should be able to tell just from this. I never ask anyone for help.

But other than that, don't worry about me. When people get like this I tend to worry they'll do something drastic, and as far as the typical depressed stuff, I've decided that in not doing that I'll be proving my mom wrong, which is something I'd really want to do at the moment, and pretty much my whole life.

I know life goes on, I'm just scared I'll end up like one of those people who gets their life stuck in a rut and lets life keep on going without ever getting out of it.



...I just never expected it to hurt this much.